and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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