I'm jealous of your bromance
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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