Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
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Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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