...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
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Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize