we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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