Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
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Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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