i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
foreskin is a definite game changer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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