I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
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I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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