somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
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he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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