i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize