I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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