when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
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Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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