he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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