Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
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I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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