I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
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All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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