Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize