I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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