I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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