I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
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DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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