could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
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its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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