The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Houston, we have a squirter
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize