I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
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I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
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I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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