Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
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Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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