they need to just BURY HIM!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
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i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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