Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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