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I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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