my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This house was built for laser tag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize