ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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