We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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