Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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