i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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