you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
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I think the camel was justified in biting me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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