At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
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You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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