Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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