and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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