I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize