i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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