proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
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I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
All I want is dick and wine.
how does that bad decision feel?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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