I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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