dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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