Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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