my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
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I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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