I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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