It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
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I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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