i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
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He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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