so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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