I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm having to shit out rocks
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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