you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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