it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
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I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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