She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Enjoy the penises
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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